How To Defend Yourself When Cats Take Over The World

The Low Down

Cats are inconsiderate little assholes, and it's only a matter of time till they decide they no longer need us to feed them and scratch the spot where it's tail meets it's butt hole. So what does one do when this furry apocalypse happens? I have compiled several way that you can defend yourself against these little bastards, and remain on top of the food chain! 

Knowing The Enemy

First we must analyze the cat, what weapons does the cat have? Obviously their little claws that seem to hurt like 5,000 paper cuts smothered in lemon juice and the tears of babies. No one considers the infection that you could get from a cut, they play in their pee and shit after they get done with it. Then there's their teeth. They will dig these into your face like you were a big bag of tuna. When used in conjunction they are a deadly combination and cute furry agony.

 

Do not, I repeat do not fall for their cute little antics. If they start licking them selves, purring, giving you those big doe eyes, or start playing with a ball of string. This is a trap, and those could be your balls in a matter of seconds! Now that you know what to look for you should be able to react efficiently, unless your one of those retarded people who think nothing bad will ever happen to them. if that's the case then I hope you get mauled by a cat, and die. Taking less people like you out of the gene pool will do nothing but improve the human race.

How To Defeat The Enemy

Now that you know what your up against, how can you kill the little pricks? Here are a few ideas, please feel free to modify, or even create your own ways to defeat the fuzzy menace.

1. Cat + Ceiling Fan = LOLZ

First immobile the cat, pounce on it's back and tie it up. Do not use bear mace this will just piss it off. Take a rope tie it to the ceiling fan and to the cats tail, then just turn it on. An alternative would be to throw the cats as hard as you can into a running ceiling fan.

2. 2 Cats + Power Line = A Fight To The Death

Take two cats and tie their tails together then huck them over a power line so they will kill each other in a bloody duel to the end.

3. Cat + Toilet = Drown The Little Bastard

You can hold a cats head into the toilet bowl then start flushing and flushing till the bubbles stop, or slam it into the top part and put the lid back on.

4. Cats + Love = Fat Cat

If you love animals to much to do the Rambo thing, try smothering them in love, make them fat as shit. If they are to fat to properly lick themselves how could the ever take over the world?

5. Cat + Big Ass Boot = FASA

My personal favorite is sneak up on a kitteh and spartan kick their ass into the next state. Make sure to where a nice boot with a steal toe, as not to injure yourself. In case you were wondering FASA stands for The Feline Aeronautical and Space Administration.

Conclusion

You should now have all the tools you need to defeat the cats when they decide to up rise. Just keep a close eye on them, they're crafty little cock waffles.